Is the Economy is in a Recession?

by Martin Pedding, indecisive economic expert

So the economy is heading toward a recession.  Actually, the economy isn’t in a recession.  But it is.  Even though it isn’t. 

Some say the economy is heading toward a depression.  Now, that is just ludicrous.  Although it is very possible, considering that the economy is heading toward a recession–that being that it isn’t, of course–although it’s entirely impossible in very possible way. 

So, we look to media figures such as myself (Martin Pedding) to tell you what you probably already know–that is, what you don’t know and what is what I need to tell you about the state of economy.  It looks good, but it could be better… but it could be better, although it looks good.

There are some figures that say that consumer confidence has gone down in the past few months.  And it could be true, because while I was shopping the other day, I felt a little overweight.  But I’m not.

Consumer confidence down?  I seriously doubt it.  However, a few months ago it looked like we were probably heading toward a recession… now that it probably is, we see that it wasn’t. 

I don’t want to give a negative perspective.  Because if media figures go around saying that the economy is in a recession, it’s bad for the economy because people could reduce their spending.  However, it is also bad for the economy if people spend money they should probably be saving. 

So here is some advice: 

• Save money.  We could be in a recession.  A little bootstraps conservatism never hurts.
• Patronize the economy by spending.  If we want to help pull ourselves out of a recession, then we need to stimulate the economy… that is, if we were actually in a recession.

So, is the economy in a recession?  It could be.  Is all grass green?  Not unless it’s blue grass.  See, there is a lot of middle ground that people who don’t know about economics don’t see.  I’m not saying that I know everything about economics, but I mean, it took Albert Einstein to figure out the causes of the Great Depression, and I am no Einstein.  I’m more like Ben Stein.  No–I’m not even Ben Stein. 

I don’t even know why I wrote this article.  I’m going to go spread some grass seed.

 

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Swamp Thing Actually a Hippie

 

FLORIDA — The legend of Swamp Thing might be just that: a legend. Swamp Thing–otherwise known as Alex Olsen–is most famous for being a personification of plant matter that grows in the swamp. Swamp Thing has had a very diverse image in the media: a scary swamp monster, a super hero, an environmentalist. It seems the latter is the most appropriate. Swamp thing is not a monster, nor a superhero–he’s just a hippie.

“It began as sort of a protest, but it’s actually quite a comfortable lifestyle” says Olsen (Swamp Thing), 59, and a long-time Florida resident. “The big corporations and their environmentally toxic practices, and our smog-producing society is what drives a man to become a Swamp Thing.”

Olsen’s hair (often mistaken for plant growth) is very thick, and when braided, resembles thick weeds. “I started growing it back when I was playing the dulcimer in the South Carolina-based band Granola Gravy (now defunct band of the late 60’s and early 70’s).”

During the late 1980’s, Swamp Thing spent some time in South Carolina. “I spent some time hanging out with my buddy, the Lizard Man of Scape Ore Swamp”, Olsen says. “Now some people think he is some kind of myth of cryptozoology, but he’s just a man like me.”

Olsen says that the Lizard Man was exaggerated by the media to be some kind of mythical creature. “We’ve been calling him Lizard Man for years. That was his nickname in the band, because before Granola Gravy, the band was called the Lizard Men of Scape Ore Swamp. He’s very tall… about 6′8, but you know how people like to embelish height saying that he’s 8 feet tall or something.”

Olsen says that he’s going to do some collaborations in a jam band tour. “Yeah, the band Moe. invited me to play dulcimer to a couple of their songs on their set”, Olsen says. “And I’m going to do a set as well, some new original material, and some Willie covers, and maybe something by the Marshall Tucker Band.”

NBA’s Lebron James Gets Super Scoring Powers from Biting Fingernails

 

CLEVELAND — Cleveland Cavaliers (and avid New York Yankees fan) LeBron James is always taking his game to the next level.  Some people might wonder how James is always improving his already-high basketball IQ.  It could be practice, natural ability, Bubbleyum, or perhaps… fingernail biting.Cavaliers coach Mike Brown says that LeBron is always biting his nails because it gives him “super powers”.  “We’re not talking about Batman and Swamp Thing”, says Brown, “I’m just saying that the biting gives him an edge over the other players.”

 

Sports medicine teams have explained the phenomenon of fingernail biting. 

 ”It could be that LeBron’s fingernails naturally produce certain performance-enhancing chemicals and proteins that are not present in the fingernails of other athletes”, says Martin Stein, a specialist in keratin physiobiology. 

 

Stein says that LeBron’s fingernails produce a lot of natural proteins and amino acids that are instantly metabolized and before you know it, he’s shooting 3’s, and getting triple-double figures. These proteins are produced in the lunula and become more enriched as the fingernail grows.

So are fingernails the fast break (get it?) for a quick bucket in basketball?  “Not really”, explains Stein.  “We have not found any of these proteins and chemicals present in the fingernails of other ballers, but there’s probably a couple out there, plus there might be quirks of other players that might do similar functions, such as lick-lipping, weird blinking quirks, or scratching.”

 

 

“Basketball has had a history of eccentric habit-based behavior in terms of enhanced performance ability”, says Stein.  “Whether it was Bill Walton’s crazy hair in the 70’s, or coach Bobby Knight’s obsession with chair throwing, these behaviors, in a way, release chemicals, adrenaline, and sometimes even creatine.”