Giant British Cow “Chilli” is Huge, Captivates Americans

Not the actual cow

Is This British Cow a Threat to America’s Big-o-Centrism?

BRITAIN–Britain has something other than Big Ben to size America up to:  a gigantic cow.  Standing at about 6’5, the tall cow towers most other cow.  The British–known for their football (soccer), French Fries (chips), and chips (crisps)–may not be the Hummer driving, skyscraper-loving, monster-truck-captivated people that Americans are, but perhaps those “Everything is Bigger in Texas” bumper stickers might feel a little dwarfed in comparison to the bigness of British cow.

“America has always been quick to document its unusually huge things”, says sociologist Dr. Jonathan Sykes of the Boston Research University.  “We have the biggest buildings, the biggest tomatoes, and the biggest portions of food… people make big balls of chewing gum for no apparent reason”.  Now that Britain has a cow bigger than most American cow, it could be the start of a new Cold War–this time with Britain.  Forget the space race, it’s the battle of the bovine.

Americans everywhere are either captivated or offended:  “[There’s] no way we’re going to have them Brits beat us in big cow”, says cattle-raising Texas farmer Glen Roper.  “I’m going to start feed’n my cattle some crumpets and cheese so they can be as big as the British cows”.  Americans involved in livestock see this as a challenge, and they’re taking it very seriously.

“A war like this could only be solved through a sporting event with American cows against the British cows”, says Sykes.  “I know that cows can’t play soccer, but why not try?  We could then know whose cows are the strongest.”

Bloggledoggle Question:  Are Giant British Cows a Threat to Liberty?


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Morgan Spurlock’s New Dog Umentary: Green Puppy in America

Morgan Spurlock “Dog-umentary” (get it?)

CALIFORNIA–Filmmaker Morgan Spurlock is tackling an important issue in a current anthropomorphic documentary that he is working on for FX television:  green puppies and how they are ostracized in American society.

“It’s hard being a green puppy in America”, says Spurlock.  “It’s not every day where people run into temporarily green dogs, and the moment a dog is green, everybody gets paranoid about it.”  Spurlock will become a green puppy for the documentary.  How he will achieve this hasn’t been stated, but Spurlock says that the “dogumentary” will open peoples’ minds on how green dogs are no different from other dogs.

“I just want people to think for themselves and come up with their own conclusion on the documentary”, says Spurlock.  Spurlock aims to go for his usual confrontational style, reminiscent of Michael Moore’s early documentaries.  “I think that people will see that these puppies are just like other dogs, and at times, they can add a lot of culture to our canine demographic, such as [for example], being green.  They are also pretty green.”

“In one segment of the film, I enter a dog show as a green puppy, and it’s a bit of a conundrum”, says Spurlock.  In the segment, Spurlock challenges the traditions of just what canine beauty is, as well as revealing the hidden prejudices of snobby dog show judges everywhere. 

Bloggledoggle question:  Do you think Morgan Spurlock has gone too far?

Rural, Midwest, Small Town Americans Not Bitter, Have Jobs (A Rant on Big City Urban Elitists)

by Gerrald Kittington, small town American who is not bitter

 There has been a lot of controversy lately about small town America’s “bitterness”. Small town people are not bitter.  And while they may be assuming, judgemental, and cliquish in nature, they are at least hard-working.  Polls and studies show this and that about rural America, and it’s all a bunch of hokey.  Charts also say that there are a lot of meth labs in rural America.  I could not disagree more than I do with my wife when she tells me that house on the back street smells like cat pee.  It can’t be cat pee.  They don’t even have cats.First of all, jobs are on the rise in small town America.  There are plenty of Wal-Marts and Targets for people to work at.  Cashiering in Midwestern rural America is at an all-time high.  If you know how to run a register, come to the Midwest.  We’ve got the job for you.  We don’t need museums and libraries.  One look at a good ole small town, and you’ll see that we take greater preservation in our mechanical bulls than the Smithsonian.

Elitist politicians have been spending too much time smoking herbal shampoo, painting walls with modern art, and wearing French berets while catering poodles extravagant beverages on golden liberal trays.  Excuse my wit.  Sorry if I offended any fur coat wearing hipsters with my heavy use of metaphors comparing liberals to my own strange manifestations. 

The next reason why small town people aren’t bitter is because contrary to popular research, young people are sticking around rural America because there is just as much opportunity as in the big cities.  My nephew has been anticipating a call from the coal mine for an interview for the last four years.  He knows that he’s not cut out for college.  What’s the deal with college anyway, to listen to some hollywood professor rant about how it’s hip for men to wear dresses?  Next thing you know, you’ll be drinking wine instead of good ole’ Bud.

This type of talk is discouraging to teenage rural Americans.  Rural teenagers:  don’t be discouraged by all of this talk about young people not having opportunity in small town America.  Remember to listen to your football coach algebra teacher when he starts rambling about high school politics while the kids in the back of the room are still trying to figure out last week’s lesson.

Rural America doesn’t need broadband connection.  This town just had telephone lines 10 years ago, and there is no need to rush broadband connection. 

Small town folks are not bitter.  We’ll never fix anything about what people decry small towns about, because we’re so accustomed to our traditions that we wouldn’t notice if something was wrong.  Boss Hog has our best interests.  America needs to know that the elitists do not speak for small town folks.  Neither do the polls.  If they want to send small town America’s industrial and manufacturing jobs to another country, then that’s fine.  We’ll just build bigger bars.  





Bloggledoggle Hot Button Question:  Are Small Town Americans bitter?

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Addiction to TV and Internet Scams is a High

by Tim Watts

I’m that guy:  the guy who falls for scams.  ‘Tis me.

Buying into scams is a high.  It’s like a drug.  I admit that I am addicted to scams and the consumption of them.  But before people go assuming that I am some kind of chump, ask yourself if you have ever been addicted to something.  I’m sure you have.  With others their addiction might be alcohol, gambling, or video games.  With me, it’s buying crap that makes ridiculous claims, or perhaps taking Rush Limbaugh too literally.

Scams come in all kinds of packages.  There are just so many to choose from.  Sometimes a deal looks so good, that you can’t resist.  I once bought a cantaloupe holder for 30 dollars.  I know–I could have just saved the 30 bucks I spent on a cantaloupe stand to spend on more cantaloupes, but man… a cantaloupe stand?  That’s just unique.  I know I could just buy cantaloupes and set them on the ground for free, but it’s a stand.  Stands are really cool.

I’m the guy that falls for websites with  BIG OSTENTATIOUS BOLD TEXT.

To the normal, cynical individual, websites with this kind of text is a red alert to hit the “back” button.  Not me.  These types of websites have given me pills that treat hair loss, make certain parts of the body appear larger, make me lose weight, and make me taller.  I have bought these products on infomercials too:  the ones that promise a six pack of abs for rolling a plastic ball over my abdomen.  And I could have used a tennis ball for less, but a plastic ball for the abs could only be given credibility by…

Doctor testimonials.  We all trust something better when we see a doctor endorse it.  And my idea of a doctor is a tall, stocky, white male in his late 50’s with salt-and-pepper colored hair and plenty of lines on his face that represent experience and maturity.  We all know that doctors wear lab coats all the time because they are busy doing doctor things in lab coats.  I’m a sucker when doctors endorse products… especially when they wear lab coats. 

Before-and-after pictures are very impressive.  For example, on this weight loss commercial I saw a before-and-after picture of a guy, and in the “before” picture, he was very pale, didn’t smile, and slouched his shoulders.  In the “after” picture, he sucked in his gut, smiled, and had a tan.  It’s amazing how a tan can make people lose weight.  In a matter of fact, I think it was weight-loss tanning lotion.

I am that guy.  But don’t tell me you have a bridge to sell.  I just might buy it.

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Is the Economy is in a Recession?

by Martin Pedding, indecisive economic expert

So the economy is heading toward a recession.  Actually, the economy isn’t in a recession.  But it is.  Even though it isn’t. 

Some say the economy is heading toward a depression.  Now, that is just ludicrous.  Although it is very possible, considering that the economy is heading toward a recession–that being that it isn’t, of course–although it’s entirely impossible in very possible way. 

So, we look to media figures such as myself (Martin Pedding) to tell you what you probably already know–that is, what you don’t know and what is what I need to tell you about the state of economy.  It looks good, but it could be better… but it could be better, although it looks good.

There are some figures that say that consumer confidence has gone down in the past few months.  And it could be true, because while I was shopping the other day, I felt a little overweight.  But I’m not.

Consumer confidence down?  I seriously doubt it.  However, a few months ago it looked like we were probably heading toward a recession… now that it probably is, we see that it wasn’t. 

I don’t want to give a negative perspective.  Because if media figures go around saying that the economy is in a recession, it’s bad for the economy because people could reduce their spending.  However, it is also bad for the economy if people spend money they should probably be saving. 

So here is some advice: 

  • Save money.  We could be in a recession.  A little bootstraps conservatism never hurts.
  • Patronize the economy by spending.  If we want to help pull ourselves out of a recession, then we need to stimulate the economy… that is, if we were actually in a recession.

So, is the economy in a recession?  It could be.  Is all grass green?  Not unless it’s blue grass.  See, there is a lot of middle ground that people who don’t know about economics don’t see.  I’m not saying that I know everything about economics, but I mean, it took Albert Einstein to figure out the causes of the Great Depression, and I am no Einstein.  I’m more like Ben Stein.  No–I’m not even Ben Stein. 

I don’t even know why I wrote this article.  I’m going to go spread some grass seed.


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Swamp Thing Actually a Hippie


FLORIDA — The legend of Swamp Thing might be just that: a legend. Swamp Thing–otherwise known as Alex Olsen–is most famous for being a personification of plant matter that grows in the swamp. Swamp Thing has had a very diverse image in the media: a scary swamp monster, a super hero, an environmentalist. It seems the latter is the most appropriate. Swamp thing is not a monster, nor a superhero–he’s just a hippie.

“It began as sort of a protest, but it’s actually quite a comfortable lifestyle” says Olsen (Swamp Thing), 59, and a long-time Florida resident. “The big corporations and their environmentally toxic practices, and our smog-producing society is what drives a man to become a Swamp Thing.”

Olsen’s hair (often mistaken for plant growth) is very thick, and when braided, resembles thick weeds. “I started growing it back when I was playing the dulcimer in the South Carolina-based band Granola Gravy (now defunct band of the late 60’s and early 70’s).”

During the late 1980’s, Swamp Thing spent some time in South Carolina. “I spent some time hanging out with my buddy, the Lizard Man of Scape Ore Swamp”, Olsen says. “Now some people think he is some kind of myth of cryptozoology, but he’s just a man like me.”

Olsen says that the Lizard Man was exaggerated by the media to be some kind of mythical creature. “We’ve been calling him Lizard Man for years. That was his nickname in the band, because before Granola Gravy, the band was called the Lizard Men of Scape Ore Swamp. He’s very tall… about 6’8, but you know how people like to embelish height saying that he’s 8 feet tall or something.”

Olsen says that he’s going to do some collaborations in a jam band tour. “Yeah, the band Moe. invited me to play dulcimer to a couple of their songs on their set”, Olsen says. “And I’m going to do a set as well, some new original material, and some Willie covers, and maybe something by the Marshall Tucker Band.”

NBA’s Lebron James Gets Super Scoring Powers from Biting Fingernails

CLEVELAND — Cleveland Cavaliers (and avid New York Yankees fan) LeBron James is always taking his game to the next level.  Some people might wonder how James is always improving his already-high basketball IQ.  It could be practice, natural ability, Bubbleyum, or perhaps… fingernail biting.Cavaliers coach Mike Brown says that LeBron is always biting his nails because it gives him “super powers”.  “We’re not talking about Batman and Swamp Thing”, says Brown, “I’m just saying that the biting gives him an edge over the other players.”
Sports medicine teams have explained the phenomenon of fingernail biting. 
 “It could be that LeBron’s fingernails naturally produce certain performance-enhancing chemicals and proteins that are not present in the fingernails of other athletes”, says Martin Stein, a specialist in keratin physiobiology. 

Stein says that LeBron’s fingernails produce a lot of natural proteins and amino acids that are instantly metabolized and before you know it, he’s shooting 3’s, and getting triple-double figures. These proteins are produced in the lunula and become more enriched as the fingernail grows.

So are fingernails the fast break (get it?) for a quick bucket in basketball?  “Not really”, explains Stein.  “We have not found any of these proteins and chemicals present in the fingernails of other ballers, but there’s probably a couple out there, plus there might be quirks of other players that might do similar functions, such as lick-lipping, weird blinking quirks, or scratching.”
“Basketball has had a history of eccentric habit-based behavior in terms of enhanced performance ability”, says Stein.  “Whether it was Bill Walton’s crazy hair in the 70’s, or coach Bobby Knight’s obsession with chair throwing, these behaviors, in a way, release chemicals, adrenaline, and sometimes even creatine.”